I am in a perpetual state of wondering, “Why am I still here doing the same things over and over with no resolve or change in outcome?” Einstein termed insanity as doing the same things expecting a different result each time. Surely continuing this relationship is insanity, no matter how much I love him and want to work things out. He has to want to work things out, too, which means doing something rather saying something. I do things all the time like trying to compromise, be fair, be logical, and try to be considerate and fair to us both in what we want and what goes on.
I used to think we were like sodium and water needing our one chloride to make us stable rather explosive, but now I just think we’re two atoms waiting to split. Arguing with him (even maturely as in a case or suit) is like arguing with a child who doesn’t know any better. He is so contradictory and double standard.
I was really pissed off during an argument over switching my studio with our master bedroom that we both sleep in. I put up a very detailed case as to why I deserve the space and how I would benefit most, which was all based on logic. His only argument was that he’s wanted a big room his entire life and it’s kind of a status thing. He also thinks that I can have the creepy, smelly, dark, damp, noisy basement as my studio. AS MY STUDIO. He gave me no logical reason why he deserves the space over me other than ego and pride. I need it for more natural light for my mental health, the space for my art things that are still packed and ritual space, the moon-facing window for charging objects during a full moon and rituals (it faces west, my current window is north), etc. So I got mad that he wouldn’t budge, explained to him that he was being illogical, unfair, double-standard, and childish, so I pulled four cards: One for me, one for him, a middle card for the outcome, and a clarity card for lessons.
Four Card Spread- Devil, Sun, 8w⇓, Justice⇓
He’s my bad habit and I should probably just leave (Devil) because he’s never going to learn or change because he refuses to budge towards my guidance (8w⇓) and nothing will ever get better, which is should be amazing (Sun), because he won’t change and I get too impatient with him to be the therapist and teacher of this relationship. So my best course of action is determine why I’m here and keep convincing myself of lies (Justice⇓) that not even I should believe?
Or perhaps I’m being biased and angry as hell and the spread is really saying that things will only get better (Sun) if I stop getting mad before he does and going off the handle (Devil) and that it’s not his fault he’s so damn dense (8w⇓) and doesn’t know how to communicate properly or know how to understand (Justice⇓).
Either way, bias or none, I get the impression that we both should be able to communicate properly without Ego (Devil, Sun). But on his side, he’s just so 8w⇓ in that he’s impatient also, but he’s actually too stubborn to change, and it may relate to that not being right at all (Justice⇓), and it’s not right. But it’s also not right when I get mad because things aren’t going my way (Devil). Yes, what I’m doing is noble, I feel, but I have to be patient and just keep explaining my side and how things can get better.